Approaching Glory

Through My Eyes

The other night whilst Jbird was performing I was walking around the Gainesville State College Campus enjoying a beautiful spring early evening.  Hubby and I attended and graduated from the college back in the eighties.  Of course then it was Gainesville Junior College.  We were in our thirties and working full-time and going to school full time.  Looking back - I wonder how we did it.  The campus is always quiet at this time of day.  The day students are gone and the evening students haven't really begun to trickle in yet.  So while J did his violin thing - I chilled and went with memories.

Needing some shots from which to paint - I snapped pictures right and left at the trees and folliage on campus.  Of course what you see isn't probably what I'd paint.  My canvas would more than likely look more like this:

1. This means I know I can't paint realistically enough to be satisfied that the picture looks like the beautiful nature and
2. Part of me likes being able to be "okay" with seeing the world at a slightly different angle.

I see this on a big canvas - like I mean big.  Well - okay - big for me.  Right now I'm working on a 24 x 30 and it seems enormous.  Which it isn't if you are going to try to do something professional with your work.  Most professionals work BIG.

Stopped by J's pediatrician's office to pick up the letter we needed to affirm diagnosis of certain things.  Must write the cover letter, make copies, and send all things off to ACT - like tomorrow.

Went out to eat with son - love the chicken salad sandwich  at Sweet Magnolias and it is a big "no no" on anyone's diet.  I had an asthma attack out on the square - thankfully I had my inhaler with me.  The pollen is just crazy.  Came home and laid down on the couch and woke up a few hours later!  Wow.  So much for the day.

I did work some on a painting for a little while  (not THE painting - the masters copy).  Think I've finally got the layout right and should complete it tomorrow.

And a special thanks to Michele.  See the comment she left me on one of my posts.  It truly blessed me.  She is also starting a new blog.  You can read her here.

Let's Not Tango

One of the things we've had to deal with (or not) since my writing hiatus has to do with our dog, Tango (of the lime green fame).  Perhaps you all remember the horrible time we had when Tango got bit by our across the street neighbors' dog.  We almost lost Tango that time.  We were sitting in the house one weekend just recently, when we heard a yelp.  Hubby had just been out working in the yard and had left Tango out.  I glanced out the window and screamed for Hubby to go intervene.  Our new next door (behind us) neighbor's dog was attacking Tango.  Come to find out, Hubby had left his sneakers out front to dry and our dog was trying to protect them - one is still missing btw. 

We got Tango in and Hubby looked him over.  Next time (and may there never be a next time) I will look the dog over.  Hubby declared Tango fine and that was the end of that - or so we thought.  Now this happened right in the middle of me being in a drug-induced stupor due to bronchitis.  That's how I justify my stupidity. 

Three days later I went to scratch Tango's ears and got a yelp.  And no wonder - his left year had been bitten and he had a tooth gouge just in front of his ear.  To say that I went ballistic is an understatement.  I was angry with Hubby (how he missed this is beyond me) and angry with our new neighbors.  Suffice it to say that a day or so later I found myself with the dog at the vet's - to the tune of over $300.  This was when I was still coughing so badly I could have been a poster child for Depends - if you know what I mean.  Right.  This is one of the world's most expensive mutts.  But he's my mutt and I love him.

And I say "not deal with" because I've yet to say anything to the neighbors.  Which makes me feel like a complete weenie.  I know the day is getting closer when this will have to happen because they are just letting their crew (at least three dogs) run out and about at all weird times and that is having our dog go nuts in his little penned in area and inside the house when he hears them (think middle of the night). Bark. Bark Bark.

Sonny boy just took our dog for his walk/run on a leash.  I swear we are the only people on the entire street who does this.  Remember we live out in the country and everyone just lets their animals run free - but our dog has been through too much at the mouths of these other big dogs to just let him roam free (even on our property - since two attacks have happened on our land).  I been told to get an air gun.  Like that is going to happen.

At least Tango is fine and acting like his normal self again.

Creative Voices Part 2

  Where were we?  Oh yeah....  And then....

Well, I went away to a conference.  This conference was filled with creative people who are doing artsy, crafty, things in their lives.  I met a spinner who was wearing a shawl of her own creation (made on a triangle loom if I remember correctly).  Click the link to a place that has triange looms and shows you a bit about them.  I'm intrigued.  Deborah's  friend has alpacas.  And Deborah bakes scrumptious bread which she brought to the conference to share. 

I watched as several musicians came together with their instruments and blended to make one sound.  It amazed me to see them share their knowledge with one another and then all take off playing together - like they had done it for years.

Some people wrote journal entries, some people wrote poems - still others had a chance to share a part of their manuscript for some feedback.

All these people have artistic voices and are blessedly using them.  It was like someone blew across the embers of my heart and stirred them up again.  The desire to write began to rise.

And then - I think a buzzer went off somewhere in my head yesterday at my art class.  I wasn't in the best of moods, and decided to take my supplies and go to a corner in the back.  My last painting attempt had frustrated the hound out of me and I just left it at home.  I took out a blank canvas and determined to do something with which I would have some success.

So - I returned to leaves and flowers.  I sketched a little outline on my canvas and applied the underpainting on with turp and oils.  Hmmmm, I thought - that is going to be one bright painting.  But I doggedly continued.  One lady came in and saw me and brought her things in right next to me.  One by one most of the other painters would be begin to make the rounds of "look - see".  "Oh color!" they all exclaimed. We like to see what's on everyone's canvas.

Now - I am the type of person that likes to keep my picture to myself until I feel comfortable with exposing it.  A trait which came back to haunt me at the above mentioned conference.  One poor lady tried to peer over my shoulder at a journal entry drawing and I left a lasting impression - I'm afraid it wasn't a good one and I later tried to apologize for my less than cordial behavior.

But I think I have a greater understanding today than I did just days ago why I am that way.  I've known for quite awhile that when you paint you often find your heart on the canvas.  I liken it to having to have the guts to go on an American Idol tryout.  You take your voice and put it out there to  potentially be trampled upon.  Or perhaps your worst fear will come true and you will discover that you have no talent whatsoever and your friends have just been overly kind to you.  It's a risky business and frankly -  it doesn't fit with the pysch needs of affirmation, edification, and acceptance.

So - at the end of the day - my instructor takes a gander at my canvas and smiles and nods his head.  He then asks me if I realize I keep coming back to this subject and style.  I look at my canvas and realize I have a painting voice and it is coming through - whether I want it to or not - whether I want it to be something else or not - it is what it is.  My fellow painters have often remarked that we can tell each other's work without seeing a signature - we are distinct individuals - with distinct voices.

My teacher wants me to do try some things different with the paint (thicker - different blending techniques) but then he says he wants me to produce 10-12 paintings all in this style.  He thinks it is time to think about approaching gallery owners.  I am slain.

I'm voiceless.

Creative Voices Part 1

Voice Play

© Susan J. Belcher, 2005

“The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves. “  Carl Jung

“Are you absolutely sure you wrote this?”  The school librarian wore an expression of mixed superiority and cynicism.

I knew it didn’t matter what I responded, my mother was going to be called.  And she was.  They could not believe a sixth grade student capable of creating a parody of Shakespeare’s voice.  They awarded first place to another student.

I am glad to say that I continued playing with words. I eventually became an assistant editor on my high school newspaper, and a contributor to several literary anthologies.  There have been hundreds of essays, research papers, stories, and poems penned. Years ago, while obtaining my undergraduate degree, I took a college creative writing class.  It was there that I first became aware that each writer has a voice.  Some writers hear voices too, but this is not about that. 

One of my fellow pool mothers recently talked about her son’s writing for his English class.  Kevin was concerned because he felt like he didn’t have a voice. Frustration swept over me.  Part of me was happy the child knew there was such a thing as a writer’s voice, and the other part of me wanted to cry at my overwhelming desire to discover my own.

I decided to do something about it.   I signed up for some online writing classes.   The pursuit to uncover my voice began.  The classes were highly informative.   I acquired many new writing ideas.   However, I quickly learned that there were two things the instructor was not capable of providing:  1) she could not write for me, and, 2) she could not give me her voice.   I have a voice - somewhere.

The teacher was smiling as she turned off the tape player until she saw the horrified expression of the child.

            “Why honey, what’s wrong?”

“Who is that on the machine?” questioned the wide-eyed child staring at the machine.

            Mrs. Gilworth comfortingly put her hand on the child’s shoulder.

            “Child, that’s your voice.”

Perhaps I need to assure my voice that I will play safe.  It could be that my voice needs to know that I will appreciate it no matter what it sounds like.  So – come out; come out, wherever you are.  I am ready to play.

Added Today:  I feel like I've had writer's laryngitis.  I guess other's would say writer's block.  Lots of "stuff" going on since I last blogged.  I've considered many times just saying - "Okay.  After all these years of doing this - it's over.  But in my heart I yearned to write again.  I would come and sit down and the computer and look at it.  Then I would go and surf other people's blogs and I would think of things to write about - but not do it.  And then......

Unpleasant Stands

I believe it is becoming increasing unpopular and difficult to take a stand.  The world would have us believe that it is possible for all of us to live in one big bowl in which the various ingredients have been whipped into some kind of indiscriminate palatable mush.  But. It. Is. Not. So.

Irregardless of what the general masses would like us to believe - there are absolutes in this world.  And they don't exist because of anything I believe or disbelieve about them.  Of course, in order to accept that, it would require a shifting of people's lives - and no one feels comfortable doing that.

Hey - you say - I come here to read light, everyday happenings and not some philosophical rantings.  Right.  Well - sorry.  Come back again some other day then and I'll probably accommodate you.

I was confronted this morning with a little fox.  Oh - not the one that I saw in the woods the other morning.  He was real and very cute.  Nope.  I mean the little ones that spoil the vine. Song of Solomon 2:15

I love music.  A good friend remarked about how much I surround myself with music.  Up to that time I didn't realize how much I really did.   The more I thought about her comment the more I realized that music plays more of a part of my life than I ever realized.  Music has accompanied me through all the facets of my life.

That all being said - last night I was surfing the Net and decided to download a few songs via a music store - a first for me. Now I don't have an MP3 player (yet) so this was a download to my hard drive.  I could discuss the difference between MP3 and WMA files but that's not the point (go for the MP3 files).

Of the four files I chose to download - two were contemporary Christian selections and two were secular.  The two that were secular were played as background music for a TV show that I watched and liked.  One of those songs has currently made the "crossover" and is being played on Christian radio channels.  And that my friends, is where my problem started.

For some unknown reason I (wonder where the prompt came from?) felt like I needed to go and look at the band's site for the one song that is being played on the Christian stations.  I did and looked up the bios for the band.  Uh huh.  Okay - that was an eye-opener.  And then I looked at their videos and clicked on one which purportedly was another big hit for the band.  Let's just say the deception and worldliness of the video totally upset me.  They took something pure and holy and totally mocked it and in the process were promoting wrong.

And I wanted the file that I purchased off my computer ASAP.  Well, part of me did.  I pulled up the file and sat there with my finger poised over the delete completely button and the thought came - Uh - you just paid for this last night.  (88 cents - give me a break) Well, maybe that other song is raunchy but this one is being played on the Christian radio stations.  There's nothing wrong with this song.  After being amazed at the mental resistance over a dumb song - I pushed the button.

Now before you think I'm trying to be "holier than Thou" I am not.  I can not tell you why this is an important test for me - today.  But I know that it is.  This test today falls under the category - "some may but you may not."  Why would I hesitate - it is just one dumb song!  Right. Do you really think the test was about that dumb song?  I do not believe so.

I don't serve a general god.  I serve a General God. (I'm not scared to serve a God who has authority are you?)  A God who knows my specific needs, and my specific life, and how to specifically build my character.  That may not taste so good to some people who want to live their lives in a bowl of mush.  But then again we are called to stand - whether or not it is pleasant.

* photo by P.Bushnell

Internet Safety

I recently discovered that two of the members of our family have some Internet issues.  It made me aware of how ignorant our young people are as to the issues of safety and security on the Net.  I'm NOT the most tech intelligent person created myself, but obviously I know more than some of my family members.  Teens, especially, seem to be unaware of the danger in which they can place themselves.  The information I found revealed on one site could have easily had a predator sitting outside that child's school waiting for them to come out so they could follow them home.  I was dismayed and shocked at the lack of understanding of the potential danger. 

The other case has to do with a college-aged student who appears to be ignorant of the accessibility and longevity of what one posts online.  There were things posted by that family member that have explosive potential to their future plans and goals.  Amazed and dazed that there appears no consideration as to who will see what has been written.  Then again - perhaps it is assumed that only a select few would be privy to the postings.  Guess what?  Your relative found you looking for the article about the honor you received and came up with more than they wanted to know.

It behooves us as parents to be aware of where our children go on the Net, who they are talking to, and what sites they have visited.  This is all easily done with or without parental control software (although it would be easier and there are some really good ones out there).  In any case, most people don't realize that what they write and publish to the public is findable and cached in Google - to whom I understand you can make an appeal to and have it removed.  I believe they wouldn't hesitate considering the situation of revealed information and safety issues - the other situation (with offensive stupid stuff) who knows?

The difficulty about making these discoveries is having to decide whether or not to tell anyone - knowing that the shared knowledge is going to go over like a big lead balloon.  Well, I'll tell you what I did - I informed the parent of the underage-kid and did not tell the parent of the college-aged kid.  If I see the college-aged kid - I may say something to them.  If I can do so - and not get snarky about it.  Which right now I don't know if I can do.  I need to deal with forgiveness and anger issues first - then if the Lord tells me to confront them I will hopefully with a heart of love and words of appeal.

Eight Random Facts

Laura tagged me and I just found out!  So you all know I've been gone and doing the ketchup on posts and reading - I've got no one fooled - lol.  Eight random facts.... hmmmm.....

1. I am a housework challenged person.  I really admire bloggers who take the before pictures of rooms and then show the same room re-decorated or organized.  I'm too ashamed to do that.  My before pictures look more like "after" pictures - like after my house got nuked.
2. I LOVE banana ice cream and banana milkshakes and banana popsicles and banana bread and banana yogurt smoothies....
3. I saw a fox the other day.  I was sitting here at the computer and there was a fox in our front yard.  I sometimes forget we truly do live out in the country.  We have some coyotes nearby, a beautiful hawk has a nest nearby, it is not unusual to see some deer walk through our property.
4. Let the wookie win.  Stick me on a Pogo game with Hubby and my competitive nature comes to life.  It is NOT a pretty thing.
5. I wish I had the strength of a lumber jack.  I've got about forty or more trees on this property that I would like to see come down and heaven knows what that would cost to have done.  Yes - we have that many trees and some to spare.
6. I love stationary.  It's always given me a thrill.  I won't tell you I would use it - but there is something about the paper - a good pen - that excites me.
7. I don't like appliances that rust out before they die.  I am currently dealing with this and my washing machine.
8. I have this insane desire to knit this really awesome looking shawl pattern in an old knitting book I have.  I envision myself sitting by the fire (we don't have a fireplace) in a long old fashioned nightgown (which I don't have) tresses streaming down my back (my hair is greying, thinning, and short) with a good book and a cup of tea.  Okay I've got the book and the tea!

When You Are Blind-sided

This was supposed to be a routine tooth cleaning.  Yes - the dentist was going to see that I had a broken tooth.  "Yes, Dr. C, I broke a tooth.  When?  Oh - in the spring some time.  No - it does not hurt.  Fix it."  Well-rehearsed with my little speech - I was as confident as I can be - since I was headed to the torture chamber dentist.

Added to my already strained psyche, was the fact that their was a new "tooth cleaning lady" there.  Nancy abandoned me moved to Texas due to hubby's job situation.  Right.  Think what you will - but it takes awhile to explain me to a new tooth person.  Which is precisely why I've gone to the same dentist for over twenty years.

The new girl is sweet (even if she fall within the category of - "Are you sure she is old enough to be out of high school?"  I filled her in (ha ha) that I was a "special needs" dental patient - which stem back to when I was a child and I'm not going to discuss.  Let's just say it was extremely traumatic and going to the dentist is like a having a stress flashback.  Not a fun thing.

With all that being said - here comes Dr. G.  "Well, it appears we have an emergency situation here."  I look at him and frown, "It's just a broken tooth and it doesn't even hurt!"  He looks at me quizzically.  "No - I mean the abscessed tooth on the other side."

SAY WHAT?  I tell him flat out he's wrong.  He shows me the x-ray.  It's THAT tooth.  This stupid tooth has been a pain in the you-know-what for several years now.  It just got crowned last year or so.  And this summer that side of my jaw was killing me off and on -but I figured it was stress and that I was clenching my teeth (again).  After all - I had gone to the dentist to complain about pain around that very tooth earlier and the xray showed nothing and I got the teeth clenching lecture!

So all that pain this summer was my tooth dying?  UGHHHHHH!  Then he throws in the - "I'm not going to do this one.  I'm sending you to a specialist."  Now I should have seen that coming - because my teeth regularly turn to crown and it can take months for an infection to clear up.  Weird teeth and my dentist has told me for years that I am the patient on which no one wants to perform root canals. 

Home I trudge - with a script for mega doses of antibiotics and some pain killers.  Lovely.  Not.

When Being Good is Bad

Last night after the parent meeting for CFAF we drove over to DQ and met my SIL for some ice cream.  It was a moral imperative.  Sure. It. Was.  In our discussion I learned a few  things:  1) Jbird has already gotten calls from two lifeguards to work this coming Saturday and Sunday (he is scheduled to have all the weekends in September off).  I asked him what he had said.  Jbird told the guys that he would work for them.  Uh huh.   2.  That my niece attended summer camp with Jbird's girl friend (notice how I divided the word there - that is significant people).  My niece asked what my son's friend's last name was.  She then remarked she had met a girl with that name at camp.  He told her that his friend has a sister named Faith. Same girl - same family.  What are the chances?  My son was flabbergasted and my niece astounded.  It is indeed a small world. 3)  peanut buster parfaits hold a dear place in my heart.

This morning I am realizing that being good at your job and being a responsible person sometimes has drawbacks.  I see a new lesson in life coming up for Jbird.  He is going to have to learn how to say, "Thank you for calling - but - no, I can't."  With Swing Choir and orchestra starting - we are in for conflict of interests.  Mine being - PLEASE let's get these last courses done - and his being, "Boys just want to have fun!"

On a somber note:  Hubby is limping badly - even with his brace on.  This is the knee that was operated on after his major accident several years ago.  He said it just popped out in bed the other day and it is not doing well.  Me? I'd be calling said Doc today and getting some help.  But this is Hubby - and he will hobble along - until his nag of a wife makes him go see the Doc.

Okay - off to wake up child, put laundry in dryer, clean up kitchen (it's a disaster), grab a cup of tea, and try to get in a couple of rows of knitting before we start classes.  Must run to Central Office to turn in homeschool paperwork today and to the Quinlan to decide if I want to take those art classes that start next week.  Hmmmm.......

May your day be blessed.

Happy Birthday Dear Blog

Happy Birthday dear Blog.

This month you are four years old!  This had definitely been an interesting venture.  It has also been a rewarding one for me.  This has been the place where I've been able to writie what I want.  This past year has been the most difficult for me.  There are have been many changes in these last twelve months and some have been stressful.  And while I wanted a place to share my life and my hobbies - I always wanted it to be a place where people felt welcome, comforted, encouraged, exhorted, and edified.  Sometimes I've done better than others.

What has happened through all these years, is that I've met some wonderful people whose lives are important to me.  I read your blogs and through your writing, I watch your children grow, I cry when hubby's are deployed, family members die, your children struggle with life - as I hope you do when I write about the things going on in my life.  On days when I feel down I can always find one of you that brings a smile to my face.  When I've been at my lowest, the Lord has always provided a kind word through a comment or an email.

Do I wish I was a better read?  Yes. Do I envy writers who have hundreds or thousands of readers - maybe.  The traffic would be nice to make some extra money that's needed around here.  But God has blessed me with the readers I do have.  I talk about these people here at my house like we are old buds (okay - none of us are really old).  Hubby knows about Nuwanda's children, Kim, Katy's kids, Greta, Uli - to name just a few (and Clarence you are in a class by yourself).

So Happy Birthday dear blog.  Lately my posts have been feast or famine.  But dear Blog - you DO hold a special place in my heart.  Thanks.